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I am Grieving

I am grieving; I am grieving the person I was before becoming a mom. A person who was able to do what she wanted. The spontaneous, so last minute, and free. The person who didn't have to worry about anyone else, the free person. I am grieving the life that I thought I would live with James. I thought we would have landed in the part where I thought we would be planning for baby number two. But I have grieved the absence of a baby in my womb, that connection, purity. So I am grieving the life that I thought we would have.

I am grieving the people, thoughts, and things I thought once were true, and I have found out they aren’t. I am grieving from all the lies that were said to me; I am grieving all the lies that society has conditioned us into believing. I am grieving for the sick society that we are living in.

I am grieving for all the families who lost their children and babies because of their faith and trust in the system. I am grieving for all those innocent babies. I am grieving from all the disorders and labels on me. What I was told I was, or what I had. That I have BDP and that I have Bipolar. I should not be trusted, and I am hard to love because of my disorders. I am grieving that sad, confused, lonely girl who was in so much pain. I am grieving for that little girl who just wanted to be seen, to hear, to be understood—that little girl who just wanted someone to listen to her and hold her tight indeed. I am grieving for that little girl who lost her mom, the little girl who thought she was the reason her mom took her own life. The little girl honestly thought she was hard to love, that she was a difficult person to be loved and wasn’t worthy of it.

I am grieving for that lost little girl who didn’t understand why both her parents were trying to put her against the other. For the little girl who was told to say/read something off a piece of paper, knowing that what she was saying would hurt her other parent.

I am grieving for the girl who was scared to speak up, to stand up, and when she did, she got abandoned shamed by friends, family, and loved ones.

I am grieving all of those versions of me, but instead of shoving these feelings away, I am honoring all those little girls because she wants to be seen, heard, and told that she is loved and safe.

This little girl just wanted to be seen, so I told her to see her. That I understand the pain, I know the betrayal, the confusion, and the anger. Oh, do I ever understand the anger? This little girl needs to hear that her feelings are valid, her emotions and that she doesn’t need to hide anymore. She doesn’t need to worry about other people's emotions, that she can freely and safely express herself. It's time to parent and cater to your own emotions and not others. It is time to give yourself the self-love, the self-compassion, the unconditional love you give to others.

I see you, thank you, and I love you so much.

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