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Backstory of my Healing Journey

Hello Beautiful Souls! I am so happy you have found my website and you are joining me on this journey! So you’re probably wondering who I am? How did I get here? And why am I dedicating my life to helping heal as many souls as I can? To explain this, then I will have to tell you my back story. So this post will be taking you back, all the way back from when I was 12 years old little girl. A girl who had her whole world flip upside down. When I was 12 years old, I had a very traumatic experience that happened to me; before I continue, I would like to say this post will be a trigger warning. My mom and I were so close; we were two peas in a pod; she and I would always sing in the cars together, we would love to go on adventures together, she was my best friend. However, the life we both were experiencing during that period was not easy. My mom was seeing this guy on and off again since I was five years old. This man was very abusive, and my mom would move out just to move back in. It was very stressful for the both of us; I just never realized all the internal things she must have been feeling at the time- of course not, I was only 12 years old. My mom and I ended up getting into a huge fight, and I asked her to take me to my other parent- one of the last things I said to her was, “ I hate you” I stormed out the door and went to my other parent’s house. My mom called me during the week, stating she loved me and was sorry, and because I was still mad, I said some typical teenager thing that a teenager would sound like, “ ya whatever.” The Wednesday that she was supposed to pick me up, she didn’t. I remember calling her over and over again, and there was no answer. I then remember walking around the park, walking my dog, praying to God not to take my mom ( i just knew ). My other parent and I ended up biking over later that day- my mom’s car was in the driveway, my other parent touched her car and informed me her car was cold, meaning she didn’t go out that day; it was cool to the touch. So I had to ask my landlords, who were living under us, to open my apartment door for me. I walked into the house and walked right to my room; my mom loved sleeping in my room because she felt close to me. I remember seeing an envelope in front of the door, and I just walked right past it; I just wanted to see my mom. When I got to my mom, who was lying in my bed, I kept on saying, “ Mom, it’s me, it’s me, wake-up, mom “ When I looked at her face, when I looked at her eyes, they were glazed over with white- she was dead. I was so shocked; I ran out of the room screaming at the top of my lungs, yelling, “she’s dead, she’s dead.” Many things still haunt me from that day, like how my stepdad knew where we were living and that something was wrong just after finding her body, and the police came. But, no one contacted him, and he wasn’t supposed to know where we lived. I also can hear my Aunt Maryanne screaming at me, “ Liar, Liar, Liar,” when I told her the news of my mom while I was still on the scene watching the police pick up evidence and to their crime scene check.

When we all went back to my grandmother’s place (it was my grandma’s birthday), my Uncle’s girlfriend ended up getting so drunk and started singing “ Happy birthday” to my grandmother on the balcony. I also remember not being able to process any of this because I felt like I had to make everyone feel better, that I had to comfort everyone around me, even though I was the one who found my mom. So you can imagine as 12 year old, about to go into grade 8, finding my mom, dead, on my bed, and one of the last things I said to her was, “ I hate you.” You can only imagine the spiraling I ended up doing for years to come. That was only one trauma that occurred in my upbringing. Another huge chunk of my upbringing was confusion, anger, and shame. Why? Due to the conditioning society has created for everyone, for people to feel like they have to fit in a certain way or aren’t normal, they should be frowned upon. What am I talking about? My other parent mentioned above is my other Mom, and yes, she is my biological parent. My other Mom, who might I add is one of the bravest people I know, realized that she was not happy in the body she was created in. Initially, she was my father, yet she knew she wasn’t a man. She then spoke to my mom about her concerns on how she felt in her body, and even though my mom was confused, she was open. However, my mom (bio) decided to tell her sisters, and her sisters ( my mom was the baby) decided that my other mom wasn’t a human who had feelings and decided that she wasn’t allowed to be anywhere near me. So it went to the point that my half-sister wasn’t allowed to speak to her baby sister, and if she did, my other mom would get arrested. If you thought that was bad, I wasn’t allowed to communicate to my cousin, who I was super close to, and went to the same school; if we did talk, and they found out, the police would arrest my other mom. What did my sister do? What did my cousin do? What did my Grandmother do? A Grandmother who helped take care of me any time she asked. These are the very people who were in my life constantly. Our family lived in the same building; this is caused by people not wanting to understand something they aren’t sure of, and instead of understanding, they threw hatred at her. See, my mom (bio), who was the family’s baby, only ever sought out her sister’s approval, she was the black sheep of them all, and when her mom died, she was lost; her rock was gone. My mom’s sisters were very judgmental and criticized her every move, even though they had their stuff going on. Seeing as my mom wanted the approval so bad, these uncharted territories went on for a reasonable amount of time.

Seeing as my family was torn into pieces, my mom felt like I needed to have the proper family, including the “dad figure” and the “Brother” figure. With this idea of a family, my Mom’s mind, she ended up meeting my “ Step-Dad, Brian had it all. He had a lovely house, a big backyard, and a good amount of money, and we could travel. This man checked off all the boxes and got her sister’s approval. Little did anyone know the chaos under the roof that we all endured, especially my mom. Seeing as my mom was influenced and coerced into taking my other mom into court to fight for full custody. Debt ended up suffocating my mom. My mom was left to pay for the court fees and have to move in and out of Brian’s house, which eventually led her to be bankrupt.

Even though I understand my mom was her person, and she could have used discernment, and from seeing everything now from the level I am at in my journey, I still get upset for her. Her sisters told her not to give the father of her child a chance because she was changing her gender, then told her to fight for custody, which made her go bankrupt, and no one lent a helping hand. No one was there for her support, no one offered to help her with finances, or when we moved out of an abusive situation, no one supported her, only gave her judgments.

As you are reading this, you are probably thinking to yourself. This is super heavy; how is she okay after all of this? I would like to reassure you that I am okay. I used to hate talking about this; before healing, thinking about this would have made me spiral, or I would have broken down crying, and to be honest, I would be going to pour myself a drink. Yet, instead of all these things, I am drinking my lovely warm herbal tea, going to do a nighttime yoga routine, and then going snuggle into bed and cuddle my baby boy.

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